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The Celtics, as explained by George Carlin

The Boston Celtics got blown out by the Raptors last night, 118-95, and look less like a real threat to make the NBA Finals by the day.

And, boy is it panic time in and around Boston. Bill Simmons is having a Kyrie-induced aneurysm on Twitter and on his podcasts. The think pieces are coming in hot. Marcus Smart thinks the team isn’t playing together. Irving gets more detached from reality by each tell-all interview. Last night, on Twitter, he got Curb Your Enthusiasm’d.

The short term for the Celtics regarding their relationship with Irving doesn’t look good. He might walk in free agency. Danny Ainge might let him. But the Celtics, with a great coach, a great general manager, 17 NBA titles, Bill Russell, Larry Bird, Kevin Garnett, young talent, and many future draft picks, will live on without Irving, like all great longstanding entities which endure rough patches.

“The planet has been here for 4.5 billion years, all right? We’ve been here, what, 100,000? Maybe 200,000? Maybe. And we’ve only been engaged in industry for 200 years. 200 years versus 4.5 billion, and we have the conceit to think, somehow, we’re a threat? We’re going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little green ball that’s just floating around the sun? The planet has been through a lot worse than us.”

Carlin is talking about humankind’s selfish worry that we’re going to destroy the world. He makes the point that the planet will destroy us. It’s funny and is so Carlin, but it also works if you change the words around to make it fit this season for the Celtics.


“The Celtics have been here for 73 years, all right? Kyrie’s been here, what, 18 months? Maybe 19? Maybe. And he’s only been engaged in weird interviews and questionable behavior for four months. Four months versus 73 years, and we have the conceit to think, somehow, Kyrie’s a threat? He’s going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little green NBA franchise that’s just floating around the NBA? The Celtics have been through a lot worse than Kyrie.”

Thank you, George Carlin.

The Celtics, like the planet, will be fine.


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